Status: Engaged! (part II)

Okay, so with the rate i'm going, I just might get married before I even finish this series. Sorry about that. My first topic aimed to clarify the roles of the man and the woman in a relationship.

My second one is about one of the key principles to maintaining a healthy relationship: GOOD COMMUNICATION. Have you met couples who are so in tune with one another that they seem to have the capability to read each other's thoughts? My fiance and I are so NOT like that. Physically speaking, I have a speaking problem, he has a hearing one. It's great *sarcasm ^_^*. But, we manage to resolve conflicts by talking about them, including those conflicts that rise up from miscommunication itself. I won't go into much discussion on the importance of good communication, but I'll just share this quote: 

"Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation."

— Oscar Wilde      

So what are the essential ingredients of good, healthy communication? 

1. RESPECT - good communication entails saying the right words, at the right time, with the  right motive.

from anchoryourlife.com

As much as possible, don't blow up the moment that your partner does something that irritates you (I'm guilty). We have to be aware of the emotional climate and the receptivity of our partner. It's very awkward - for you as well as others - to fight at a party, when you are guests in someone's home, at the office and generally anywhere in public. Choose a moment when the two of you can sit quietly and talk, a time where you are both calm enough to give each other the chance to speak. Then, when you do talk, make sure that the things you say are objective, encouraging and constructive, don't  put down your partner or paint him/her to be worthless in your relationship. Speak with the goal of restoration, reconciliation, honoring and building up your partner. Also, watch your tone and non-verbal actions (no condescending tones and rolling of eyes, please)

2. TIME - good communication in marriage is both qualitative and quantitative. 

Good communication won't just happen, you have to make time and exert effort to listen to and speak with your partner. Sometimes, our working days can seem so long that at the end of the day we've run out of words to say.  Try to share your workday, your thoughts about what happened and your plans in the immediate future, jokes, anecdotes or observations you've made. It doesn't always have to be serious, deeply philosophical, or thought-provoking. Talk about the things that you both enjoy. Good conversation can also occur while doing other activities. Talk while walking, doing chores, during TV commercials, while eating, or while driving to your next destination.Take every opportunity that you can to enrich one another by talking. 


3. HONESTY AND OPENNESS - good communication speaks the truth in love
From what I have seen, the two biggest killers of honesty and openness are pride and fear. Sometimes, we view ourselves too highly that we try to hide all our sins, weaknesses, worries and insecurities. We want to keep an image of perfection, even in front of the person who should know us best.  There are also people who choose to stay silent in the face of relationship conflict, thinking that sharing their feelings and thoughts on the matter will lead to fighting and they would rather keep quiet than lose the person they love, but in reality, the issue just gets buried in their heart and bitterness starts to creep in. Then one day, it will all just come out and the final outcome won't be pretty. In our case, 6+ years have taught me that there's nothing to lose when I tell him what I want, when I'm irritated, when I have an opposing view and pretty much whatever i'm thinking of at the moment. A person who loves you will not judge you for what you say. There is some conflict, naturally, but talking it out to find a resolution is better than keeping mum but being in a bad mood the whole time that we're together.   
  

4. LOVE LANGUAGES - good communication is not limited to talking
Love can be communicated through words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving, acts of service and physical touch. Each individual has a primary love language. In my opinion, a great way to show that you love a person is learning that person's primary love language and communicating love that way. Take note however, that a person can also be strongly offended through their love language. No idea what you partner's love language is? It's best shown by how that person also shows love. You might get a better idea from these descriptions:
Words of affirmation - you feel loved and appreciated when you receive unsolicited compliments; the words "I love you" and being told the reasons behind it lifts your spirits. Insults cause a great amount of pain and are not easily forgotten.  
Quality time - you are touched when someone gives you their full, undivided attention and feel secure in the one you love knowing that they will be there when you need them. Cancelled dates, postponed plans and distracted conversation will leave you feeling hurt.   
Gift giving - not to be confused with materialism, people whose love language is gift giving appreciate the thoughtfulness, effort and love (not the price) behind each gift. Dealbreakers: a missed event, thoughtless gifts    
Acts of service - anything you do that eases the person's burdens will make a person with this love language feel loved and cared for. The sentence "Let me help you with that" is synonymous to "I love you". Don't get on this person's bad side by being lazy or adding to their work. 
Physical touch - these people are very touchy to those they love: hugs, kisses, pats on the back,holding hands are just some of the ways by which they show their love. What hurts them most? Physical abuse and neglect. 
Learn more about love languages here. You can also take the test to learn your love language.  


So there they are, my thoughts and learning on effective communication that will build your relationship and keep the bond alive.